Dear Little Me

It’s always fun to begin a speech about anxiety by letting the audience know I currently have anxiety. And how special it is that we use a metaphor as beautiful as a butterfly to describe that all too complex feeling inside.

With that, here is my latest story share 🙂

I’m writing this speech ahead of time because talking about anxiety while potentially having anxiety means I might forget everything I have to say. My heart is probably fluttering ten extra beats every second like butterflies, hmmm, maybe if I just focus on butterflies in my mind, rather than all of you, I will feel better.

My younger self would be watching this from the audience with her jaw dropped open, and her heart probably at her feet in shock that we are standing here. Twelve years old and just about the quietest kid in class, terrified to even raise her hand, “Little me, I can’t believe we’re here right now either.”

There is so much courage in standing up for something. And for every speech I stand here, I help heal that little girl whose butterflies in her stomach made it too much to get on that school bus every morning, or raise her hand in class when she made it there. So here’s to sitting with the beautiful butterflies fluttering within me right now.

I didn’t start referring to myself as a mental health advocate until my freshman year of college. But prior to that, as just a junior in high school, I discovered the Yellow Tulip Project. When I found out my friend Julia Hansen was starting a nonprofit here in Maine designed for youth advocates to help end the stigma of mental illness, I knew I had to join.

Becoming an ambassador for The Yellow Tulip Project was my first step in gaining one of the biggest things I was lacking on my journey through living with mental illness; connection. I’ve struggled with depression off and on for over ten years now, and the feelings of isolation that come with depression made it nearly impossible to feel connected to anyone.

Connection is the opposite of isolation. I do not stand up here with all of these fluttering butterflies just because I like to. I do not stand here alongside the little versions of me who are red in the face and scared because we think it’s fun. We stand here because of that idea of connection. We stand here because it is organizations like The Yellow Tulip Project that helped us realize we are not alone. That others also struggle with those sickening butterflies. That others also know what it’s like to navigate life, good and bad, just trying to survive that dark cloud of depression consuming us.

And it is through this idea of connection, that we help release those butterflies. We help clear away those clouds for each other, and for ourselves. Whether that be through sharing our stories, creating hope gardens, playing cornhole together, and simply having more conversation. To be able to shout from the rooftops, I have anxiety! I have lived with and survived depression! I have been a victim of abuse and yet here I am. Here I am. Here I am. Not just surviving, but living too.

I am creating power out of my pain. And I am doing this alongside each and every one of you. All of you decided to show up here today. Those reasons most likely differ for each of you. But regardless, you being here has already helped create those important connections. So I challenge you today. Release those butterflies. Clear away those clouds. Throw those bean bags with all of your power at the stigma that has prevented so many from reaching out and asking for help. Let’s talk about it. And do something about it.

I already have fewer butterflies standing here right now than I did minutes ago. And it is because of people like you, holding space for a twelve year old girl who was terrified to raise her hand in class. A sixteen year old girl who felt like the world was caving in on her and she was all alone. An eighteen year old girl who was suffering from abuse so extreme, she thought she was worthless. And a twenty three year old girl who stood here and spoke despite that fear of being vulnerable with people close to home. And yet here we are.

That is the true power of connection.