Dear Little Me

Growth is recognizing that where hornets used to buzz so viciously in my brain, ideas now swirl constantly. I feel a bit frustrated right now, that feeling of creativity and SO many ideas sitting at the tip of my tongue, yet there’s a part of me that still holds back; still a bit unsure of where to go, what to create, where to go next. But let me tell you about those hornets.

A few months ago I was sitting in this exact spot, in my uncomfortable desk chair looking out to a gray, overcast afternoon. I had just gotten off the phone with a mentor of mine. And on that day, I shared with her this feeling of hornets buzzing in my brain, the feeling that nothing in the world made sense anymore, and all I could see in my brain were these hornets; traumatic memories of the past that were preventing any light or air from the present and future from entering me. It felt unbearable.

I’m sitting in this exact spot today, my back still aching from the same desk chair that needed to be replaced yesterday, gazing out at another gray, overcast afternoon. Just a few minutes ago, I was on the phone with another mentor of mine, sharing this feeling of frustration I have for what feels like an overflow of creative ideas swirling in my head, but with no direction on where they should go. The difference? These ideas do not look or feel like hornets; instead, they feel more like golden fairies fluttering around everywhere. They’re much lighter, and I can still see clearly.

So while I am still very frustrated that these fairies feel a bit pent up within me, growth has reminded me to be still with the fairies for now as best as I can. To appreciate the hornets when they were there because they weren’t “bad.” These hornets actually taught me a lot. But they needed a place to go, and that was found through healing. Through lots and lots of therapy, self-accountability, and reaching out for support whenever I needed it because friends, we are not meant to heal alone!

And this frustration I feel for not being sure just yet on how to let these golden fairies of creativity out, well, maybe I found a small way to do that today.