Dear Little Me

In the beginning of my intense trauma healing journey, I wanted nothing more than to just clear away, and in many ways forget, my past memories. I didn’t know that in that process of trying to eliminate myself of my early childhood trauma, just how much my younger self felt like I was trying to erase her too.

After unboxing much of the weight of the past through EMDR therapy, I found myself left standing alone in a dark room. This room was what remained after I had processed and released my most intense attachments to the traumas I have lived through. This room was where I was finally able to face her; all the little versions of me inside who were left to pick up much of the pieces of the past…alone.

This room was free of distractions, and instead filled with my all too familiar habits. Self-sabotage, people pleasing, negative self-talk, all of the thought patterns I had developed as a result of surviving what I have in this lifetime. It felt like a time warp. Because despite going through different adversities, I always seemed to cycle right back to the familiarity of this cold, dark, isolated room.

Entering this room now feels different than any other time before. I am now consciously choosing to enter this space, this time with a lantern in hand and boots on my feet to keep me grounded. And by doing so, I have learned a few things.

I am not my trauma. For so long I really did believe that in order to enjoy the life I am currently living, I had to free myself entirely from that little girl within me. I was so far from the truth. So far in fact that today, I am discovering that my absolute greatest teacher in this life, and the person I aspire to be the most, is her.

That little girl who’s spirit couldn’t be crushed by anything. Who managed to find love and light in simply being here, in the present moment. Spending time in the earth, planting and smelling the flowers, talking to the stars and frogs, and going to sleep each night knowing that even though her situation wasn’t always ideal, she always had something to keep her going; hope.

Through the years of perfectionism, of trying to make a name of myself, sacrificing my needs to please others, I lost sight of what really makes life worthwhile. And now, it is through the eyes of my greatest teacher, Little Me, that I slowly begin to find myself again.